My Journey

Those that know me, know it’s been a rough couple of years, I’ve had marriage issues, health issues…LOTS of them, the loss of my precious Daddy, another loss I haven’t told about, which then brought on MORE health issues, which then brought on a lot of financial issues and then car issues. It’s just been a really rough ride and I felt on my heart, it was time to share. 

When all you do is preach to people, pour into people and scream from the rooftops to Fight for Your Marriage and then without warning, yours completely falls apart - you feel confused, really fake and begin to question everything…or at least I did. I questioned if it was ever real? What happened? Was I blind? How could ours fall apart when all we wanted to do was tell people how much marriage is worth fighting for and how you CAN get through anything. Even though it was hard, I kept going. I still kept serving God, even if it was me showing up to church with tears falling from my eyes, as people just surrounded me in hugs and prayer. I felt like I had lost my identity. Something I worked so hard for and constantly had messages, calls or meetings about, just became broken, in a blink of an eye. I couldn’t help anyone else because I, myself needed help. It took time but with God I was getting through it, then we began working on our marriage again and that’s definitely been a very long road to recovery. 

Then fast forward on to the loss of my Daddy. He was honestly the sweet voice of Jesus in my life. He was the one that I always felt “enough” for. He reminded me of my worth and always knew what to say and exactly the right time to say it. Now, I know my Daddy is not Jesus, but what I’m saying is, God used him many times to speak to me. Even in his sick days, he spoke to me right on time. I miss him so much and I had no idea, just how much I would struggle without his voice in my life. 

Shortly after losing my Daddy, I found out I was pregnant. Pregnant at 39 years old with a heart condition and in the midst of marriage troubles. It was definitely not planned and saying I was shocked, is an understatement. I’ve always said I didn’t plan to birth anymore because it’s so high risk for me, that I would feel selfish to try to have another baby myself as it’s so risky, which worries me for my kids. BUT here I was…pregnant. All I could think is this has to be God, I didn’t do anything different, why now after so many years? I was scared but ultimately I trusted God.

I had an immediate appointment because of my high risk state and then was sent immediately to a high risk maternal fetal medicine doctor. I had ultrasounds, saw the heart beating away. The doctor advised me I was extremely high risk and I had a medical reason to “end” the pregnancy and asked what I would like to do? I said it’s simple, I’m not God and that’s not my decision. He said he fully understood and agreed but he has to go over that option with me. He said him, his team and my cardiologist will do all they could to get me through the pregnancy and birth. 

I was almost 3 months pregnant when I was having some back pain, no other symptoms at all, it was just mild back pain. I called my MFM doctor and they advised me to get into Winnie Palmer Hospital to be evaluated and just be sure it’s nothing. All test were coming back normal, pregnancy still showing strong all the levels were good. The doctor decided to do an ultrasound before letting me go, just to be sure they weren’t missing anything. The entire time there, I wasn’t worried and truly didn’t think anything was wrong. I thought it might be kidney stones. 

When I went into the ultrasound, I was all upbeat, as I wasn’t worried. I said to the tech, how’s the heartbeat? As they normally say, she responded with oh honey I can’t tell you that, I can’t tell you anything (in a very cold way). Her not telling me, was basically her telling me. I understand they can’t give any information but they should keep it that way for both ways because that was an awful way to find out. This horrific feeling came over me that I cannot explain, it was a very dark feeling of death. I was still having to sit there getting through this ultrasound but I knew something was wrong and I felt so sick and sad. Once I was done, I was taken back to my room and the doctor came in and told me, the baby is there but there isn’t a heartbeat anymore. They believed what I was having is a “missed miscarriage”, it’s where the heartbeat stops but the hormones all continue on, I was nauseous and all, even my uterus was still growing. They said the body still believes you’re pregnant because you are however, the baby is no longer living and growing. I was numb, I couldn’t even react.

I left and then broke, cried my eyes out the whole way home. Why did my body fail again? Why am I so broken? I wasn’t even able to carry this baby to completion. Then I asked God for a miracle, if it was meant for me to have this baby, He would change things overnight because I was meeting with my MFM the next day for another ultrasound with him to confirm. When I went the next day and saw the baby on the screen, I’ve never forgotten that image. It’s definitely different seeing a lifeless baby in your womb. They hadn’t said it yet, but I knew at that point. Then the doctor came in with the dreaded “I’m sorry” and I was scheduled for immediate admission and to stop my blood thinners for the surgery. 

So many years of being content with the children I was blessed with and for so many years not trying and also not ending up pregnant. Just knowing it wasn’t a good idea with my heart condition and then boom, in the midst of so many troubles and the biggest loss of my life, I found out I’m pregnant. I just knew it was God and even though I was scared, I trusted Him and His plan, then this…more loss? 

I had the surgery and was hospitalized for a few days, then released. A few days after being home, late at night I started with excruciating pain in my abdomen, I was rushed into the hospital to find out I was still showing pregnant and parts of the baby were left behind, causing a ridiculous amount of pain. I was admitted and they had to do another procedure to clean me out. It was like this loss just kept having to be relieved, over and over and over. It was on this visit that they found the enormous fibroid, which was also causing terrible pain. They believe it was irritated when I had to have the d&c to clean me out. 

I was seeing my doctor weekly for this fibroid and all I heard over and over is that there is nothing that can be done. It is dangerous to keep it in there yet with my heart and being on a blood thinner, it’s too risky and they can’t do anything. Soooo, I can’t keep it in there? I’m hearing it’s extremely dangerous to do because of the size and because of the location yet I also can’t remove it? Talk about confusing. On top of that, I was having extreme pain and discomfort, it was affecting my everyday life, in many ways. 

I went for a second opinion, which was God led. This doctor understood my heart condition, his wife had a heart TRANSPLANT. I sat in that exam room with tears falling down my face. Yeah, my life has been hard, yeah the journey hasn’t been easy but there are other people experiencing FAR worse. In that moment, I forgot all about MY problems and just asked him all about his wife, their kids, their daily life and how they get through, as she lost her ability to talk, she communicates by pointing at what she needs and their daily life is so much more complicated than mine. Yet he stood there telling me just how thankful he is to still have her and that they found a heart to save her life. In a moment I saw God all in my life, I saw Him orchestrating every appointment, every hardship, just to lead me to this moment right here. To remind me there IS hope. It had been a long, tough and painful journey and then I found this doctor, who was a God send. This doctor that knew exactly what procedure I needed done and had a plan for the whole thing. As I was walking away from him he asked me who my cardiologist was and to find out, they’re FRIENDS. He was going to text her right away and be in touch with her the whole way through. Again, God showing up! 

I was then scheduled for an EXTREMELY painful procedure in October, where they kill off the blood supply to your uterus, so that they can starve the fibroid. This would allow the fibroid to starve, which would stop it from growing and hopefully shrink it. It was THE MOST PAINFUL recovery, ever! And that says a lot after having open heart surgery twice…this was worse. They had me on a pain pump (pictured below) for a couple days, I didn’t even have that with my open heart, but even with the pump, I was still crying in pain. The next few months were painful and hard, with appointments every week and a few more emergency visits to the hospital due to blood loss and extreme amounts of pain. 

Finally, on January 12, 2023, my fibroid had shrunk enough to have the hysterectomy done. They removed my uterus and tubes - which would obviously remove the rest of the fibroid, as well. 

Within 3 weeks of that surgery, I was hit with Covid for the first time ever. My body hurt like I have never ever experienced. It caused the worst headache and joint pain of my life. All I could do is lay in bed, in excruciating pain in my joints. I then woke up to an extreme amount of blood loss happening, something I hadn’t experienced since the surgery. I called the doctor and they had me monitor it for the next few hours and within that time, the loss got so bad, I rushed into the hospital, as instructed. It was SO bad, two doctors came to see me and examine me. They decided to admit me as my blood count was dropping and they weren’t sure if I would need a blood transfusion. After a few exams and some testing, they told me it looked like I had something that was a 1% chance out of like a million, going wrong in this surgery. The doctor on call just kept repeating it and saying I don’t know why you had to get this of all people. I was numb and barely responding. The more I heard it the more I thought, please just stop saying it before I lose it. I try my best to stay positive and not think of the why, why, why because it doesn’t help and could drive me crazy.

That day I barely talked to anyone. I just talked to God and it wasn’t a desperate cry out, it was more like just talking to Him as a person, as my Father, as the ONLY one who could change this for me. I just knew my body couldn’t handle another surgery. Within 6 months, I had 4 surgeries and many more hospitalizations. All I heard countless times is how tired my veins are. The last surgery, the anesthesia team stood over me right before they knocked me out, saying how high risk I am and they will do all they can to get me through it. I fell asleep with tears just rolling down my face. To hear I needed another surgery to fix something that shouldn’t have happened, rocked me. Especially since it wasn’t even a month later and I had Covid! It was just becoming more and more dangerous with more of a risk. 

So, with all that being said I talked to God that day and said I cannot have another surgery. Please just heal me without surgery this time. Then the next doctor on call came in and he said they would give it a little time and see how things go. They kept me with no food or drink just in case I had to be rushed into surgery. A few hours later, he came back in and said he talked to my doctor and he does not want me to have another surgery and does not feel I need it. My doctor is hoping with low activity, they can let my body heal on it’s own without another surgery. They agreed to keep me overnight again and if my blood count is stable and the blood loss slows down as it had been, I could go home on very low activity. The next morning, my blood loss had slowed down and my blood count was low but stable enough to go home with it stopping. 

Wait, what? I finally get good news? It seemed every time a surgery was mentioned, there was no getting out of it. I had gotten to the point to where I didn’t even react from bad news, I was just numb and used to it. But then this, He saved me from having to have another operation! In reality, I wanted to scream and shout out loud, praising God and telling everyone about it but I had become silent. It seemed every time I text or shared a good report, either a setback would happen or something new would go wrong. So I truly became silent. I was only sharing with my close family, that lives with me. Yes, my surgery is taking longer to fully heal from and I’m still not cleared all the way yet but I’m getting there. I have another post operative appointment on Monday, March 27, 2023, and I’m hoping to be fully healed and cleared at that time, but I’m learning to trust the slow process and just fully trust He is in control.

My baby was due February 13, 2023 and even though I didn’t get to meet them, they came here for a short time and possibly saved my life. I wouldn’t have known about that dangerous fibroid I had, until possibly too late. They now get to be with their amazing Papa in Heaven and I know they’re having a blast with him. I will forever be thankful for the kids God has blessed me with, here on earth and I will strive everyday to let them know they are and always have been more than enough. I love you, Isaiah and Amiyah!

I share all of this to say…I know life is hard sometimes. Oh Lord, do I know. I’ve experienced depression, I’ve questioned why God has kept me here and I’ve had thoughts I never ever thought I’d have. I’ve screamed crying, begging Him to just let me go be with my Daddy again because I didn’t want to feel all the pain I’ve been feeling here, the physical pain, the emotional pain, the heartbreak pain, it’s just been so much. I needed and wanted my Daddy’s voice again, his unconditional love and his words of wisdom and love. I had a purpose to help marriages at one point and I felt like I lost that and then I had a purpose to encourage people to keep going, no matter what they are facing and I truly felt like I lost that too. How can I encourage people when I need encouragement myself? I became so silent. I got tired of not having good news for people. It’s like that saying “if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” only I made it, if you have nothing encouraging or good to say, just don’t say anything at all. I closed myself off from my family, friends and community. I believed the lies that were being said to me in my head. They don’t want to hear it, can’t you ever have good news to report? 

I know we are in this world for a reason, I know God designs callings for each one of us and I felt like mine was just demolished. It felt like I was in a big ocean with large waves coming over my head and I was just too tired to keep fighting the current, to stay above the water anymore. But somehow through all the junk, the tears, the pain, the numb feelings, the voices, I still kept going - barely crawling, barely keeping my head above water - Only because God was with me, only because His voice is stronger and more loud than the enemy. Only because HE kept me above water. Only because He continuously reminded me He STILL has a purpose for me. In the midst of storms, in the midst of all the pain, in the midst of the tears, it can be so hard to see God, but trust me, He is there! He is with you and never ever left you. We have to look for Him and you will SEE Him. He was the Voice that kept me from giving up, whether it was me hearing from Him by myself, my 11 year old niece Ally texting me a Word right on time, a text from my amazing mentors from church, a text from my big hearted cousin David or a text from my Uncle Paul. You all helped me MORE than you’ll ever know and I’m sorry I haven’t been able to even voice that but I’m trying now. As for David and Uncle Paul, your texts reminded me of my Daddy’s and I’ve needed that more than I could possibly EVER say. Thank you for showing me love and encouragement when I’ve needed it the most. 

I lost some friends along the way, I’ve closed myself off to people like never before. It got to a point to where it was just too hard to update people. Then when I had a tiny bit of good news, there would then be a setback. So I quit talking. I used all the energy I had to just fill my kids with what they needed, enjoy them as much as possible and work on my marriage. 

I want to thank every single person that gave to me financially through this madness. Some gave publicly and some gave privately. I cannot thank you enough. You allowed me to have the necessary surgeries I needed, you put food on our table, you allowed my kids to have a birthday celebration, you paid my bills, and so on. If I didn’t have that help, I don’t know where we would be right now. You truly were the hands and feet of Jesus, in a mighty way. I pray each of you have been and continue to be blessed beyond measure. 

I am finally back to work from my medical leave, I think my body is in shock but I’m super thankful I’m able to work again! Hallelujah! 

I am also working hard to be myself again, start facing people again, start talking again, truly smiling again, laughing, LIVING again and scream from the rooftops God is good, no matter WHAT! Because He is. I want to do what I love again, encourage people, pray for people and let them know, no matter how hard it is, God sees you and He is WITH you. Remember God is with us THROUGH the storm, He doesn’t normally just take us around it. Storms are meant to teach us to truly trust Him, no matter what it looks like and no matter what we are facing. I held onto Him and He is seeing me through it, it’s just taking time.

With Love,

Lynette 🖤