He Saved my Marriage, my Family and My Life...
So, tomorrow marks 6 months from me having unexpected open heart surgery. I am still amazed at the road I traveled this past year. If you would have told me one year ago, I would be facing the many things I faced over this past year, I would have began running and panicking, thinking I could never get through it all. But good news is, we serve an awesome God that is so amazing and will see us through anything and everything.
This year I faced things I never ever wanted to face in my lifetime. I really thought I never would face these things and if it even crossed my mind, fear would strike me harder than anything. I will try to make this as short and to the point as I possibly can, I just feel there may be at least one person or many that needs to hear my story and be encouraged by it. Someone that may need reminded that God will get you through anything.
The 2012 trials started right after we welcomed the new year, a few days into January, Jon and I began having marital problems, something I never felt we would have or if we did, it wouldn't go as far as it did. The problems progressed over the next 3 months and in March we separated. The friendship and love we once had and had for so long felt like it vanished. Gone! My best friend, who I talked to about everything, was gone, I cried, I begged, I prayed and nothing worked. The man I married, wasn't there, I couldn't connect with him, couldn't get through to him at all. We hardly saw each other anymore, he basically came home to sleep. I finally became fed up and asked him to leave, something I never thought I could do.
From the day I helped him out the door with his clothes, I fell to my knees in prayer. I never ever could see me doing such a thing. As much as this sounds like I was giving up on my marriage, I didn't. For us, I feel this was part of God's plan. He needed him out of the house to be able to work on him and me alone, for God to truly change me and work on me. You see my husband was always up there, level with my God. I didn't know how to put God above him, I didn't understand, I just love Jon so much that I didn't know how to love Christ more. When that person is gone, the person you turned to about everything, you learn very quickly how to turn to God for everything and truly put Him first.
Morning and night I was on my knees praying, giving Him my first minutes of the day and my last minutes of the night. All throughout the day, when I would struggle at different times, I would fall to my knees in prayer. You know the saying "Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" during this time, I truly prayed about it instead of talking. Only my immediate family knew about our situation and even they could barely get me to talk unless it was me asking for prayer. I would constantly tell them, this is my marriage, I don't want to "talk" about it. I just want prayer. They were awesome and gave me just that, as a family every night they would offer me prayer and we would get on the phone and pray. I never lost hope in my marriage, I knew God had a plan bigger and better than mine could ever be and I knew He was going to do big things. Overall I trusted Him, not Jon, not my family, not me but I trusted God and knew He would do the impossible.
Prayers were constant, I was living and breathing prayers. Worship music on repeat, I only wanted positive things coming in and out of my life. I didn't want to hear or be around any negative. I fasted food at different times, which was my first time ever doing that. I fasted Facebook, first time on that too. I truly felt Him constantly filling me with peace and joy knowing something better was in the works. Jon and I had not seen or talked to each other for over a month after him leaving our home, so I was truly leaning on Jesus and wow, He is amazing!
I had Isaiah and felt what it feels like to be a single mom for a while and I know now it is not easy. The hardest part for me is trying to make up for what they're missing from their father or them asking for their daddy. It was hard! I hand it to the many women who have to live this life everyday. So since I constantly had Isaiah, my moment, my alone time was a shower by myself every night with my worship music blasting. One night I was listening to a song, I listened to a lot and it was "I give myself away" the words say "I give myself away, so you can use me." That night I cried out to God singing that song with ALL of my heart and also added my own words, I sang "I give myself away, so you can use me. I give my marriage away, so you can use it. I give my husband away, so you can use him. I give my family away, so you can use us." I sang those words over and over, truly crying out to God and truly meaning every single word to that song. So much so that, that night I felt like a burden had been lifted. I felt lighter, I felt like I had a breakthrough in my shower that night.
A few nights later, I was lying in bed, going to sleep and that is the night I started with chest pain and tightness. Isaiah was sleeping and of course it was just the two of us. I called 911, I could barely catch my breath or even sit up straight, I was laying on the floor when they arrived. My blood pressure was extremely high, they gave me some spray for my heart and several aspirin. Lynn, my sister in Tampa had been on the phone with me and had called Lisa and Lori, my sisters who live close to me. Lori arrived just after the paramedics to stay with Isaiah and Lisa followed me in the ambulance to be by my side at the hospital.
After many test in the ER, everything was coming back normal and negative. One thing sparked the ER doctors concern, it was that I responded both times to the nitroglycerin which usually means there is something going on with your heart. He told me based on that they will keep me for 24 hours to do a series of blood test to see if that shows a heart attack. 24 hours later, test after test came back negative for heart attack. The cardiologist came in to question me about anxiety and if I had ever been diagnosed, I said no, I understand anxiety and I have never had anxiety, especially during a time that I had been turning to God for everything. He was my peace and protector. I told the doctor I really don't think it is anxiety, I know I'm going through a lot but that felt more serious than anxiety. I then asked him if he had looked at the echo and he said no, he hadn't seen it. He said I'll take a look at that then I will be discharging you. After a few minutes he came back in and said he needed to order a ct scan, according to my echo there is a questionable aneurysm and it needs a closer look. The ct scan was ordered and waited for hours for the results.
During the waiting time, Jon showed up, my husband, my love, the piece to my puzzle that had been missing for nearly two months. He didn't look himself at all, he looked sick, stressed, worried. Lynn had text him and told him what was going on and that I was hospitalized. I filled him in on what was happening and that we were waiting on the last test results. While waiting, we began talking, sharing tears, laughter, sadness and joy. Talked about the road our marriage had taken, talked about how he felt guilty for me being in a hospital bed and he hadn't been there. We had a conversation that we hadn't had in months, all because I landed in a hospital bed.
Hours later I got the dreaded phone call from the cardiologist stating the ct scan results weren't good, that my aortic valve had enlarged and was a 5cm aneurysm. He said I would need to see a cardiac surgeon right away because they begin doing surgeries on this when they are 4.5 cm, mine was already 5 cm. he explained this would be open heart surgery. Tears began to flow, I was in shock. I cried and cried. Jon was still there and he tried encouraging me but I just didn't understand. The road I was traveling just seemed to keep getting more and more tough.
Over the next couple of weeks, I had to see my family doctor, cardiologist and was then referred to the cardiac surgeon. Jon said that he would be at every appointment and he was, he showed up at every appointment I had and the last was with the surgeon who told me, yes I needed open heart surgery and the latest I could wait was until June. We went ahead and scheduled for May 29, 2012, the day after Memorial Day. Jon and I were still separated but were working on things. He came by the house to spend time with Isaiah and I, we would also meet at church and go out as a family to dinner. The week before my surgery we met with our pastor that married us and his wife, to begin pastoral counseling on our marriage. We had a great session and things really began to turn for the better. I still had my own questioning I was dealing with on why I had to have this surgery and kept wanting healing.
One evening I was again in the shower, only at my parents house and I had that same worship song on repeat "I give myself away" I was singing it and just in a zone not really understanding all that was happening in my life when suddenly I felt like God sweetly reminded me, "you sang this to me, you sang it with all of your heart, you told me to use you. I am using you." It wasn't an audible voice but I just felt it so heavy and clear on my heart that I broke down into tears, He answered me, He reminded me. I gave myself away and begged and prayed for Him to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and my family. That is what He is doing. He is working in us. I got my answer. At that moment, I began to accept and understand I needed open heart surgery and I knew He would see me through it.
May 29, 2012 Jon and I went to the hospital at about 5am. I got about 2 hours of sleep that night, we stayed the night at my parents so that Isaiah could stay with them while he took me. As they wheeled me away from Jon, that is when he broke, he was crying so hard and could barely talk. He told me it would be ok but you could tell, he was scared. I thought I was going to be a complete wreck but instead I was ok, kept crying here and there but was not panicking as I thought I would be, I just kept praying, asking God to get me through the surgery.
After the surgery my surgeon went out to tell my family I was doing ok and recovering. He told them if I had not had the surgery, I would not have seen the age 30. Wow! I still don't know why this all happened to me, to my family, to my marriage this year, it was tough for everyone BUT I do know our God is stronger and He can do ANYTHING! It was a tough year and at many times, I was wishing I could run far away but instead I ran for God and I am so thankful I did because He saw me through it all. He is to thank for everything. There are times when we ask why but instead we should try to just turn to Him and thank Him in advance. He is always up to something better than we can ever imagine. Just trust Him. He is so good and no matter how hard things seem at times, press into Jesus and He WILL get you through it.
In one month, I will be 30!! I am here and able to see age 30 because my God reached down and saved me. Yes, I have a big scar down the center of my chest and another on the side of my chest but that is just a reminder of what God did for me. I'll take the scars, the aches and pains, the discomfort and itching and just be completely thankful for all He did through the hardest time of my life yet. 2012 started out to be a really hard year but when I take a look back at it, I'm amazed that He reached down and saved my marriage, my family and my life.
Never doubt! Our God is good!
I wrote this November 2012, here it is Feb 2014 and thank God I am doing wonderful health wise, my marriage is stronger and more beautiful than ever. I have so much to be thankful for and I owe it all to my Lord and Savior. Thank you Jesus!
My prayer is that someone who might be facing a difficult time or a road that seems to keep getting more rough, is encouraged by this and can have hope that if you press into God, He will get you through ANYTHING! May God bless you all. Please let me know if I can pray for you in any way.
